"2) There are no April Fools jokes in this email. Because I think it's mean to play jokes like that on your parents. Mostly because a friend of mine (oh, PLEASE, like I'm going to tell you who did this) once called her mom on April 1st and told her that she split her rectum having anal sex and I don't think I'll ever live down the awkwardness of listening to that phone call. Or listening to anyone's mother say "Didn't you use LUBE?!". I don't know why I'm telling you this, just to validate my point, I guess."
Yes, a friend of mine actually did that. And her mom asked her about lube. And she reads this blog. And is probably currently frantically gchatting me to tell me how inappropriate I am for posting that on the internet. Also, she's definitely pissed that I told my mom. Even though her name wasn't mentioned. I will remind her, at that point, that she told HER mom. Which is why it is so horrendously inappropriate.
Before I go (because I swore I wouldn't write a novella today), a few updates:
- I'm finally doing my taxes. Like right now. Like I actaully have a 10-99DIV form on my lap. AND, I never got that $250 from the government last year, so it looks like I get it now, which is good, because I didn't need it then, and God knows I need it now.
- Project anorexia is underway. So far I have been almost constantly hungry and avoided chocolate sucessfully for 3 straight days, including ten minutes ago when I reached for an Almond Joy then thought "NO! Lady Gaga ate one meal a day AND took diet pills. You aren't even considering diet pills." (Note: Before you call a doctor or my mom-which is pointless because she's been trying to give me an eating disorder for years-know that I am eating. I ate sushi for lunch today. I'm just not eating sushi, soup, 2 pieces of bread, a banana, and a smoothie.)
- The aforementioned is aiding in "project crazy". I'm slowly creeping nearer and nearer to full insanity. And for the record, I don't want to BE Lady Gaga, I just recognize that she, like me, was a dark haired, normal sized, large breasted person, and now she's not. Therefore, goal.
- I had a genius idea today (which was item "3)" in my email to my mother. She's a struggling artist, I'm a struggling artist, let's get together! Why? Because she has a disposable income (sort of) and I have no income! My mom is an artist and does Printmaking and Watercolor paintings and is the worst businesswoman ever. She never sells her work and rarely shows it, all because she's "too busy" to promote her work. No excuses, I say. I also say (as in, said, as itemized in #3) let me help! I want to do her PR. For real. And have her pay me for it. Let's see if this works. Anyone know any galleries looking for new works?
- Agggghhh pregnancy foils all my plans. Some attorney here is preggo and leaving today so they're force feeding us all cupcakes at 5:00. Can I resist? We shall see!
- I'm doing this. No, that is not a joke. I'm totally going to do it. For $20? Why not!