Breaking Up: A Love Story

I just need some time apart.

I have to find myself.

I need to try out something new.

I'm too comfortable.

We're perfect for each other, but I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

You have everything that I want, but I'm not sure that's everything that I could have.

It's not a break-up, it's just a break. I know I want to come back to you, I can't imagine it being any other way later on, but this isn't right for me now.

We've had a long history. My heart has belonged to you since birth, it seems like. Maybe more than I think can be attributed to my parents and their acceptance of you. I've always known we'd be together like this, and I was right all along; you really are perfect for me. This isn't to say that we haven't fought, boy have we fought. You've hurt me and I've bled for you, I've gone broke for you, but I've always wanted to come back because I know every curve and corner of you, yet you consistently surprise me. Just when I think I know everything about you and I'm growing bored, you shock me with your intelligence and it's like I've never even met you before and I fall in love all over again.

When we were on a break before, in college, I bragged about you to everyone. I came home to be with you and when I was away for too long I would get drunk and get mad that we couldn't be together all the time. I was waiting with baited, bittersweet breath for graduation. When that day came and we could really be together I smiled all night. Even sleeping on a mattress on the floor, light pouring through the window in my east 3rd street apartment, I didn't mind your quirks and pitfalls, I was more in love than I ever knew I could be. You helped me discover my own nature and embrace it. You make me laugh and smile in such a pure, honest way that I don't know if I can ever feel this way about another again.

I still don't regret going to London and cheating. I was so happy for myself, so happy I'd found something that made me feel almost as good as you did. I felt independent, and maybe that's why I need to do this now, to feel independent again, maybe not. But towards the end there, I realized that I needed you back, that you were it for me and nothing else could make me feel that way. When I got to JFK and saw you again I cried exhausted, happy tears at the sight of you.

Remember how good things were in the summer of 2008? Remember how new everything felt? How exciting? I couldn't even sleep, thoughts of you consumed me altogether. Sure, you were a little bit abusive early on and I got angry with you and needed air and space, but I always knew I'd be back. I just wish there weren't so many people who felt the same way about you. You're too cool and you know it. I wish I could feel like no one else will ever care about you the way I do, but I know that's foolish.

I guess I just want to thank you for all you've given me and say that I'll be back. It's not you, it's me. I might be making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you now, but I'll never know unless I just go. Maybe I've been wrong all along and you and I aren't meant to be. It hurts me more than you'll ever know to even think that. I don't think I'm ready to love another, or that I'll even like it, but it's enticing. I know I'll miss you, but I hope I'll be able to be happy without you. I think I might be. I might even be able to fall in love again, with time. I think I'll be able to focus more and drink less. I think you might be a bad influence on me after all, but it's not your fault. I can't control myself around you, I'm too emotional, I'm too intense, I'm too comfortable.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, let's enjoy this next, last month together and not think about the consequences. I don't want to miss out on anything, I want all of you, I want your unconditional you-ness until I leave. Already I can feel myself falling into you and with each step I take I am mourning the end of us. Around every corner lies a memory and a deep dull pain grows with every reminiscence about our time together. Please, don't change too much while I'm gone, because I'll be back and I want to be with you forever. New York, I love you.

A