No no. This is scary. I don't want to do the "five years ahead" question. When I imagine myself five years from now any outcome is scary. Either I'm doing the same thing that I'm doing right now, pounding the pavement trying to make it in "the biz", or I've given up entirely and have begun pursuit of something else (not something I want to necessarily resort to before I'm 30, but who knows) And even worse, either I'll be scarily settled down and like, ugh, married or something, or (even worse) totally not. I've never been one of those people who sets time limits on things. A guy I dated in high school and I once made a pact to get married if either of us wasn't by a certain point in time. He said 27. I said 32. I said no way 27, not in a million years is that my "settling" year. What was he thinking? We spoke recently for the first time in years and he reminded me that our deal time was coming up. I told him to let it go before his girlfriend of three years figured out that he was having conversations about getting married. To someone else. But back to the task at hand, I've never been someone who sets serious time goals about things like that. I believe in giving things time to take their course. My parents got married in their thirties and they're still together almost thirty years later, so seriously, no rush.
Anyway, advice to my current self from the future:
Take your time to do things right. Don't rush into important situations unprepared. Stop being lazy and take the time to think everything through. The decisions that you make now are crucial, not because you're at a point of no return, but because you have the ability to propel yourself to great heights, right now. Think it through, be careful, be cautious and learn yourself. You are your greatest ally and best friend. The support system you've built around yourself is a wonderful one, but it may crumble or prove ineffective, so trust yourself above all. And take your time, please take your time. And stop eating so much bread and cleaning your plate, leftovers will sustain you for longer than you think. Also, be creative and adventurous, your hobbies need to develop now, don't give up on them, they will keep you sane. Keep writing and start saving money, just a little bit, but all the time. Get out of debt and back on top of things. This isn't as hard as you think it is, just put the wheels in motion and it's all yours.
Advice to my younger self ten years ago:
Let yourself be the person that you know you are and stop listening to the people around you for clues as to how to behave, you've got it right. Keep writing and stop saving money. Don't let that boy touch your boobs no matter how many times he asks. Learn French, just figure out a way to get it into your brain. Go to France, stay there, don't get stuck in one place, travel and learn how to speak French. Don't get too excited when the boys finally like you, be nice to them and remember that they're just as worried about you as you are about them. Start taking voice lessons and don't stop. And learn how to play the piano. [God I wish I could play the piano] Stop being mean to your parents, they just love you. And talk to your family, talk to your aunts and uncles and grandparents. 60% of them won't be around much longer, so get the good stories out of them now and try and appreciate them and their humor and beauty and life stories.
It's probably because I just took some vicodin (hey, my foot really hurts today), but writing that last little letter totally made me cry. I can't believe how many people I've had to say goodbye to in the last ten years. I don't mean to be such a blueblog (get it, like blue balls? Ugh, painkiller pun fail, that's not even what I meant, I meant such a downer. Aaaaanyyyway...) but I still can't believe how many people have just....died. I know that's life, but ugh. I just miss them. I just miss them, that's all.
Oh, positive note! (sort of?) Today is my Dad's 60th Birthday! He's the youngest sixty year old I've ever known, and happy happy happy birthday to Rich!