I give you, a list of occupations I might not suck at if I wake up one day 35 and a non-working actress:
- Spinning Instructor (I'd have more energy than the instructor I had for this morning's class if I was on muscle relaxers and Ambien and listening to Joni Mitchell on my ipod...I could definitely do this)
- Event Planner (I'd rather organize a party than go to one. Well, I'd rather go to one that I've organized than go to one that anyone else organized. Almost. No. Definitely. I'm a control freak)
- Restaurant Reviewer (I'd be fat and happy, and use words like satiated and repulsive on a daily basis. Mmmmkay)
- Blogger (click those damn ads, people)
- Psychic (You don't want to know how good my "feminine intuition" is...)
- Crack addict (I like silverware, I like being skinny. Downsides? I like humanity, possessions and being lucid.)
- Yoga Instructor (I can put my legs behind my head, but probably don't have enough deep breathing in me to keep a straight face throughout a silent retreat, so maybe not. Read: I'd be the asshole sticking string beans up my nose when we were supposed to be meditating)
- Mom (This is so non-progressive that it makes me want to hit myself over the head with the bag of English Muffins directly to my right, but, weirder things have been suggested)
There you have it. Call me in ten years or so to remind me of this list, unless I'm already on TV, in which case, pretend you never knew me, I don't owe you anything.
PS: I'm totally kidding, you can be my entertainment lawyer or maid or something, I already have a personal assistant, pool boy, accountant, chef, and clothing-iron-er lined up, though.