Saxophones and Panic Attacks

So many things have made me cry today, KCRW, finally getting a restaurant job, the panic attack I had when I came home and realized that I had to immediately make dinner before even so much as sitting down, Central Park West by John Coltrane on the radio (that one actually made me write a "poem" about what I miss about New York on a post-it on my steering wheel while turning on the ramp to the 101S–no, I won't post it here, poetry is weird and personal and never as good as I want it to be), and this, (particularly when the writer gets asked what she wants to be when she grows up and she answers "happy").

I think it is fair to admit that I've had a few glasses of wine. Halfway through the panic attack (between yelling at a piece of chopped onion and going onto the porch to take a few deep breaths) I decided that a glass of wine (or 3) was a good idea.

Let's backtrack to the Coltrane song. Have I mentioned the jazz thing in my life here yet? Well, my dad was a jazz drummer for many years, a jazz enthusiast forever, and thus, jazz has always been a huge presence in my life. I'll put on the local jazz radio station and recognize songs whose names I don't know, artists I don't know, but melodies? Well, I know the melodies like my own first name. There's something about a Coltrane sax solo that always makes me feel okay. The way it sounds like New York smells, the way it reverberates in your head, chest, gut, and soul until you remember the point of it all is to be good. The point of everything is just to be good, and happy and eat a big bowl of pasta and laugh loudly. Did you know that? The point of life is pasta. That's what I grew up thinking at least. Pasta and jazz. Which brings me to "what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Happy". Because that's just about the only answer that makes any sense, and yet the most difficult to achieve. I sent my mom an email one night, probably late, my sophomore year in college and I'm pretty sure that all it said was, "Do you think I'll be satisfied with my life?" (I was worried about my pending life choices, my lack of a relationship, my inability to make decisions, and, probably, my unsightly weight gain). She responded with two full pages. I know because the document is still saved on my computer. One of the best parts of the whole response was this:  

It's the knowledge and feeling that things can always be better. More just. More fair. More human. Better color combinations. Better composition. A better melody. A better taste. Less fat. More passion. Wow- life is really great- GREAT! Will Adria be satisfied with her life? YOU BET! I KNOW you will. How do I know this? I just know. I'd stay away from that "end up" thinking,because life is an ongoing journey. If you follow something you're passionate about, you can't lose. You might have to compromise at times. So I married a man with bad manners.

She continues, but I'll spare you her whining. Just kidding. She didn't whine...and my dad does have terrible manners. PS: notice how she wrote "less fat"? She was clearly concerned with my Keystone Light, Late night pizza dipped in ranch dressing, and Grilled Cheese diet. Regardless, I think that advice is really good to remember sometimes. Things can always be better, but its always about following the thing you're passionate about.

I just felt the need to share that. More later. I'll leave you with a photo that I took of some pasta and wheatgrass on my window sill.

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