Reality: A left hook to your happiness

So here comes the honesty, it's apparently pouring out of me this week like Franzia in an all-girls dorm. I feel stuck. Stifled. Confused. Unsure of what I want. I'm basically a bit of a wreck, and I only think that I can write about it now because I've come to terms with some realities:

1. If I truly want to pursue an acting career, and have the career that I've always wanted, I am going to have to abandon any notions of having a normal life. It simply will not work. This one hurt the most. I've always sort of walked the tightrope between *artist and civilian (not that artists are not civilian, but it's definitely a different lifestyle) and recently realized that that is not going to work. The nature of the business is unpredictable, unstable, and always moving, and therefore I am going to be unpredictable, unstable, and always moving, and therefore I probably am not going to be able to meet my friends for a drink at happy hour and then go home and eat dinner with my family and have weekends out of town. Sometimes? Yes. Regularly? No. Am I okay with this? I can be. Am I freaking out a little bit that these thoughts are entering my mind so soon after my mentality was "coooollllegggeeee"? Yup. Is that okay? Yes'm. So, with this in mind I've realized that in the process I may lose some friends, not that I want to, but it will probably inevitably happen. Just last week when I was preparing for my film debut I turned down at least three social activities because I either a) wasn't drinking alcohol b) needed to go to bed early or c) needed to go to the gym/my wardrobe fitting instead. If I was a regularly working actor (and please, can that happen soon!) I would have weeks like that, ummm, always. Busy, self-indulgent, anti-social weeks. The reason actors get such a bad rap is partially because we tend to be self-absorbed, narcisistic, assholes, but also partially because to be good at what we do, and to look good doing it, we need to be self-indulgent and a little bit selfish with our time. That's sort of reality #2, but it's a subcategory of #1, so we'll let it slide. *I feel like it sounds so pretentious every time someone calls themselves an "artist", but for the sake of making a point, I made an exception here.
2. I'm not magically going to fall in love with my new neighborhood, it just isn't going to happen and I need to come to terms with that. I don't hate living here anymore, I just don't like it. I miss living in a neighborhood of primarily young people, primarily "offbeat" people, and most of all just a place that feels like a neighborhood. That being said, knowing this now and just acknowledging it instead of pretending like I really don't miss living downtown is probably going to help me cope with living here better.
3. Los Angeles. Typing this makes it kind of more real, which I suppose it is becoming, so I guess I'll try and get it out. Let me put it this way, I am all New York. I never even seriously considered living anywhere else, this place pumps through my veins. I know a lot of people say that, but the thing is, it's true for a lot of people. New York City is like a drug, once it's in you (and you're in it) you can't imagine life any other way, but I might have to. Realistically speaking (and isn't that what we're doing here), I don't see a way to achieve the success that I plan on and hope to achieve unless I go to LA at some point. Not forever, not this moment, but for a semi-significant amount of time, and soon, before I stop being young and pretty. I know that I need a push, or rather one of those leashes that they put children on to get them to do what their nasty, evil parents want them to do to pull me out there, because if not I'll just never leave NY. And fortunately (or unfortunately, depending which side of my current mind-fuck-migraine you decide to take) for me, I have just that pull...it's starting out as kind of a gentle tug, but I have a feeling that it's most likely going to turn into the force of an team of sled dogs at some point in the next few weeks. And since I already said "yes" to going, it's going to be the point of no return. Talk about starting a blog at what felt like a small, but pivotal life moment and turned into a huge turning point in my life. Or not. We'll see what happens, but I'm on LA Craigslist and West Coast Backstage.com as I type this, so...yeah.

In other news, I decided to take an impromptu vacation to Rockport, MA Monday and Tuesday...and I sure am glad I did, look how pretty:

I'm going to leave you with lyrics to a song I completely forgot about, and then recently heard again and just...resonated with my current feelings...

And as the spotlights fade away,

And you're escorted through the foyer,

You will resume your callow ways,

But I was meant for the stage.

-The Decemberists

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